On falling in love with the wrong person.

those_two_masochists__b_by_ss1998ftw-d48owndIt was one of those nights that I was crying, thinking of the what ifs  had that monster dumptruck  smashed us thoroughly. I could be dead by now or at least, crippled. I was shaken and I was so afraid for my Gaby. I could not die. I could not be lamed. I still have many plans and dreams for her and for us together.

And then you texted, how am I doing? And I immediately texted back that I am still crying sorely whenever I am alone, just like that very instant. You told me to get a grip of myself. Move on. That I should be thankful that I am alive. Accidents happen and just be more careful when I drive again.

That was the start. Until we realized that we have been texting regularly for two weeks. We were spending the night till dawn which was both not our usual doings. Yes, I was enjoying those nights immensely. It was new to me. I suddenly have a new kind of nightlife. I mean, before that, I was just content of reading fictions and novels until I fall asleep. While you can’t believe too, that you are spending so much money for your cellphone credits and remain awake until the wee hours of the morning.

Our conversations started to get intimate and went deeper. I told you secrets I haven’t told anyone and you, the same way. You even had the courage to tell me the darkest part of you. Yes, it was frightening and yet I was drawn to you.

And then we started to question ourselves. Why are we doing this? You told me, you want to get married and have children. And you want me to be your future. You will take care of me and my Gaby and our baby together.

I told you, it is not that easy for me. I have been hurt so bad and that a part of me died already when Gaby’s father and I went separate ways more than three years ago.

You told me I should not be afraid. That there is someone for me. And that could be you if I will allow you.

Our exchanges of texts progressed. I started missing you when you fail to remember me on the usual time.

Thinking of you makes me smile and excited at the same time. You make me hope. You make me realize that I can be happier, after all. I am not jaded on love as I have always told myself and my friends.

Somehow, we now have an understanding that we are going to be each other’s future. And I conceded.

But in the process, you finally admitted that there are three others who “own” you. But then again, you do not love them and you can’t picture them to be the mother of your children. Am I supposed to believe you? Am I supposed to be glad? You asked me for a time to slowly let them go and just then, we will start our lives together.

Something in me was kicked. A carbuncle inside me oozed again. And I am longing for someone to lick away the pain.

I want you to ease this pain that you are causing me. I could not imagine any other to stop the pain but you. So I choose to stick with you and hope that you will stand by your promise.

This is killing me now. I should stop now. But I can’t! Oh, I wish you did not ever text me and I regret that I text back. God! Oh, how I love you now…


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