I have been a bad mother.

I’ve been reading many blogs lately, mostly about love, relationships, motherhood, and almost always, something in me is struck like I am the bad(dest) mum to my daughter, Gaby. Yes, for the past 3 or more months, I have been so so bad to her. It pains me and it hurts more today because it’s Valentine’s Day. I know I should make it up to her. But I can’t… just yet…

Last November I became so intent on falling and I fell in love. Because of this new found happiness, I was enjoying it immensely, without realizing that the quality time I normally spend with her was reduced. I started to miss her bedtime stories and her weakly massage because I was busy on the phone talking to him until she already fell asleep or I would be home so late because I had a date.

Until last month, I decided to end the pseudo-relationship to leave a little of my self-worth. Yes, I love him but I realized that what was going on between us is not for forever as I wanted it to be and it would not be fair to me. I knew I should love myself first because I have a daughter to prioritize and not any “player” like him. But still, I am so devastated. Until today, the hurt I am feeling is still as intense. Maybe this is valentine’s sickness and will pass away after the season.

But the fact remains that I have neglected my baby so much. There were nights that she would complain that I missed her bedtime stories and she misses it already. I don’t massage her anymore and always I told her I was tired and promised to read or massage her the next night. But then, I still didn’t.

Two weeks ago, while I am readying Gaby to church, out of nowhere she asked, “Nay, naalala mo yung nagbe-bedtime stories tayo nung may tumawag na lalaki na sobrang tagal mong kausap, hanggang nakatulog na ako di mo natapos yung story? Sino yun, Nay?” (“Mum, do you remember the night that while you are reading bedtime story to me, a man called you (on your cell phone) and you were talking for so long until I fell asleep, you did not finish the story to me? Who is that man, mum?)

I was stunned because afterall, she did not forget. That it was a big thing to her that she missed her bedtime stories. She pestered me who the guy was. I just promised her that the guy will no longer call me again and I will never miss her bedtime stories again.

There was also one Saturday afternoon that she literally dragged me out of bed and complained that I have been in our bedroom for days and I should go out. That I don’t play with her anymore. I felt guilty and tried to spend time with her but I ended up snapping at her because she was so “makulit” (pesky).

Last night, she asked again for her bedtime story but told her I was tired and she just turned her back to me feigning sleep. I hurt her again.

I felt guilty. I am guilty. But what can I do. My mind and my heart is still so full of him, I could not concentrate on my daughter. I have been telling myself over and over to get a grip of myself. I am trying. So hard. But not yet.

All I could do now is cry. Cry for my lost love. Cry for my pathetic self. And cry for my baby, who should be my priority. I used to be so sure of myself that no one can come close to her in my heart. But what is happening to me now? I am bad. So bad. How can I redeem myself to her? I need time, but for how long?

Today is Valentine’s day. I hope this really is just a Valentine sickness. I hope this will pass tagging along my senseless musings on the player who broke my heart into pieces.

I want to be back to whom my heart should solely belong. My Gaby, please wait for me. I am coming back, promise…

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Surviving

My Angel...

My Angel…

Day 4.

Last night was hell. I almost called you up to say I terribly miss you and I am sorry for pushing you away.

I was crying silently. Gosh! How will I get through the night? How long will I stand this?

I asked God, why can’t I find happiness? And then as if an answer just hit me!!! I have my Gaby! She is all I have. She is all I need!

I am sorry that I am getting out of focus. I am sorry that I was so intent on falling in love, I almost missed the most important person in my life.

I held Gaby’s hands while she’s asleep and I can’t stop my tears from falling. I am so sorry I lose track of myself.

I am sorry I almost forgot my priority. But I assure her, no matter what happens to her inay (me), I will never ever lose sight of whose on top of my life again. No man can displace her in my heart.

I may still grieve for a love that is lost. But I will never allow myself again to forget. It is me and Gaby. That is all that matters most.

As for you, I may be far from getting over you yet. But I am getting there. As a friend always says: “shit happens” but always it is moving on that follows.

5/9

I got into scrapes again… thank God, I got away unscathed!!!

I was hit (the car I was driving) by a huge dumptruck in the intersection at Rosario, Batangas, Philippines beside Jollibee. He was afterall, moving to the right side without any signal on, while I was supposed to go straight ahead, heading home.

We were, side by side. I was at his right side, (but admittedly, I was on the shoulder of the main road because an officemate had to get – off). When our lane went “go”, instead of advancing at once, I looked at my left side and saw that the huge monster was moving towards me! I just froze and hit the horns repeatedly, instead of hitting the gas right away. And then… BANG!!! And he hit us three more times, as if he was really trying to push us aside. It was actually the police that signaled him stop bombarding us.

So to make my short story shorter, my left front door, fender and signal light were totally wrecked. Salamat sa Diyos, I was not part of the wreck!!!

The accident still makes me teary – eyed whenever I am alone in the house and still makes me cry whenever friends or people are asking me about what happened.

The incident made me introspect and cannot help to think that I only have 4 more lives now if I am to believe the saying “9 lives”. I think I was already spared several times already:

  1. When I was in Grade I, I was pulled by a jeepney for at least 10 meters until I let go. If you were a student at Taysan, Batangas back in 1980’s you will definitely understand what happened to me. The PUVs then and even now were so scarce, we really had to squeeze ourselves to the jeep just so we can get home before dark after school. But the jeep was so full, the driver didn’t notice me still hanging there, trying to get – in his jeep. My knees were scraped off.
  2. One summer vacation, when I was 10, I got almost drowned in a river. Luckily, a distant cousin was alert enough to pull me out of the water.
  3. I was bitten by a snake when I was 11. I was trying to “steal” my kaka’s pipino (cucumber). Imagine how terrified I was when I saw the long snake with its teeth still sinking at my right foot. Apparently , I stepped on it. I was waiting to die already, I didn’t though… but I really thought I was dying and it was an awful feeling.
  4.  When I gave birth to Gaby 6 years ago due to complication of CS operation (see https://noringgay.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/my-agony/ for details).
  5. And now, this vehicular accident.

I am so very grateful to God that I always got away from these life threatening troubles. And I really hope I won’t exhaust the remaining 4 lives, if the saying is true, too soon. I still have my Gaby and my parents to take care of, so really, I am not ready yet… #

Greed is Thicker than Blood

I am writing this not for myself but for my Inay, whom I know is suffering and grieving for the loss of a precious and sentimental property and of blood – relations.

Flashback:

More than 30 years ago, because of a need for money, a portion of the small piece of land owned by my Mamay (grandfather) was sold to a nephew, a 1st cousin of my Inay.

You know how it was in rural areas back in the early days, or even up to this day, when lands are covered by a mother title only and selling of portions of it were based on estimates and will just agree on the demarcation lines or what they call “hangganan”. It was seldom that one would spend for the titling and transfer of the property to his name but will just make – do with a tax declaration. Gentleman’s agreement. That is how it was in the olden days. If at all, there is a value on the area as per the selling documents, it is always “more or less” but definitely not absolute value. That is what the surveyor told us.

And so the portion of lot was sold, and we grew up knowing just up to where our property, the property that my Inay and her siblings’ inheritance from their father, ends. For decades, none ever contested the extent of what we owned.

Until just some 3 or 4 years ago, the old man/1st cousin who bought the portion of my mamay’s property blabbers in the neighborhood that my Kaka (uncle) did not know that the parcel of land that he owns is much smaller than he thought. But nobody gave so much thought about it because we are certain of our ownership, although a little bit apprehensive because the old man/1st cousin was already infamous of being greedy.

So, my kaka to reiterate his territory because his share of the property is adjoining the property that was sold, put a fence between the boundary of his the property and of the old man’s.

The old man did not contest the action which was assumed that he recognizes that boundary between his property and my kaka’s.

Until early in 2012, my kaka found a “mohon” / marker that almost eat up the house of his eldest son. He was so furious he could have cut- off the head of the old man/1st cousin. But he was appeased by his family and my Inay.

Inay was hopeful that maybe there was just a miscommunication and everything can be talked about and will be clarified. But the old man was firm, “di sila’y maghabol”, he would say to the neighbors.

But it was so sudden, my kaka passed away in August 2012.

November 2012 when Inay finally retired from teaching and her priority project out of her retirement pay is to finally settle the issue on the encroachment of property by her cousin. She immediately hired a surveyor to facilitate the division of the property among her siblings and the corresponding titling, only to confirm that the portion of land sold to the old man/1st cousin is already titled. No one ever knew that such was no longer covered by a mere tax declaration but already titled under his son’s name.

What was more painful to Inay and to my cousins (the children of my kaka), is they encroached a hefty 1,300 m2.

Questions poured:
– how were they able to transfer the property to their names without Inay or kaka knowing while there should be witnesses to the process?. It is an SOP for a property covered by a tax declaration only. I know that such undergoes a hearing/ trial. How were they able to do that soooo easily?
– why did they encroached such area when all the while, my Inay honestly knows and clearly remembers just up to where the sold property was? How one can forget? 1,300m2 is 1,300m2… not an inch, not just a meter wide difference.
-how can they do such betrayal to their own blood???

Gotten answers:
– “aba’y hindi ko alam na gay an pala kalaki yan”

-“bayaran na lang namin ng kinse mil” (that came from the son who now owned the property)

– they showed a deed of sale showing the area of the lot sold but it was signed by my kaka as the seller.

Questions to the answers gotten:

– how can it happen that you do not know what you have bought?

– why would you offer in the first place, to equal the portion of lot in question with an amount if you really think that you got it the legal way? But by golly, an insulting 15 thousand pesos for 1,300 m2.

– why they didn’t show that damn deed of sale allegedly signed by my kaka when he was still alive who was then so damn irking to rectify the issue? And why would he sell the property when he still does not own the property at that time. It was supposed to be my mamay only.

-Or the better question is: WHY DOES THE ALLEGED SIGNATURE OF KAKA IN THE ALLEGED DEED OF SALE IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM THE SIGNATURES IN HIS VARIOUS IDs? Could it be forged? My kaka won’t talk, ever again. Maybe they had the grandest sigh of relief when he died or worst, they rejoiced!!!
My tatay was fuming. “How can they do this to Inay? Their own flesh and blood! They are belittling us!!!! They think us dumb and stupid!!!!!”

There is a way, they said. Let’s bring this to the Court.
But I interfered. What for? They have the legal documents although I am pretty convinced that they got it the illegal way. We do not have the means to support the suit if we will push this through. Yes, Inay got her retirement pay but would she be willing to spend most of it to this? Kakaawa naman ang inay kapag ganun. 30 years nya yung pinaghirapan para lang gastusin para tapatan ang isang kasakiman ng isang kadugo. My cousins do not have means either.

Yes, we may have all the witnesses that we truly own that piece of land. Yes, we have the evidences that, that signature of kaka being the seller is FAKE. But we know how the justice system works in this country. They could already be dead by the time the case would be resolved.
For me, the best thing to do is just cut the ties. Afterall, it was them who chose to ripped it apart, not us.

I tell my Family, “hayaan nyo na, MAMAMATAY din naman sila.” Just like everybody else, they will also die and they cannot bring that piece of land to their graves and even in hell, which I am pretty sure is their destination. But please, do not get me wrong, I do not wish them dead.

I just wish that they may at least think of what they have done to us, to my cousins, to kaka and to my inay. I am thinking, can they sleep oh, so peacefully at night? Can they eat oh, so full of appetite 3 x a day? What do they pray to God at night or during Sundays at church? How can they stomach to give legacy to their children out of greed? Maybe, just maybe, they are sometimes saddened by their actions, by their greediness.

Oh, well… Lesson learned? Greed is thicker than blood sometimes.

And so, I would like to end this griping with a song from the Eraserheads, Ely Buendia sings, “Di maaring ariin ang pag – aaari ng nagmamay – ari.” ♪♫♪