I have been a bad mother.

I’ve been reading many blogs lately, mostly about love, relationships, motherhood, and almost always, something in me is struck like I am the bad(dest) mum to my daughter, Gaby. Yes, for the past 3 or more months, I have been so so bad to her. It pains me and it hurts more today because it’s Valentine’s Day. I know I should make it up to her. But I can’t… just yet…

Last November I became so intent on falling and I fell in love. Because of this new found happiness, I was enjoying it immensely, without realizing that the quality time I normally spend with her was reduced. I started to miss her bedtime stories and her weakly massage because I was busy on the phone talking to him until she already fell asleep or I would be home so late because I had a date.

Until last month, I decided to end the pseudo-relationship to leave a little of my self-worth. Yes, I love him but I realized that what was going on between us is not for forever as I wanted it to be and it would not be fair to me. I knew I should love myself first because I have a daughter to prioritize and not any “player” like him. But still, I am so devastated. Until today, the hurt I am feeling is still as intense. Maybe this is valentine’s sickness and will pass away after the season.

But the fact remains that I have neglected my baby so much. There were nights that she would complain that I missed her bedtime stories and she misses it already. I don’t massage her anymore and always I told her I was tired and promised to read or massage her the next night. But then, I still didn’t.

Two weeks ago, while I am readying Gaby to church, out of nowhere she asked, “Nay, naalala mo yung nagbe-bedtime stories tayo nung may tumawag na lalaki na sobrang tagal mong kausap, hanggang nakatulog na ako di mo natapos yung story? Sino yun, Nay?” (“Mum, do you remember the night that while you are reading bedtime story to me, a man called you (on your cell phone) and you were talking for so long until I fell asleep, you did not finish the story to me? Who is that man, mum?)

I was stunned because afterall, she did not forget. That it was a big thing to her that she missed her bedtime stories. She pestered me who the guy was. I just promised her that the guy will no longer call me again and I will never miss her bedtime stories again.

There was also one Saturday afternoon that she literally dragged me out of bed and complained that I have been in our bedroom for days and I should go out. That I don’t play with her anymore. I felt guilty and tried to spend time with her but I ended up snapping at her because she was so “makulit” (pesky).

Last night, she asked again for her bedtime story but told her I was tired and she just turned her back to me feigning sleep. I hurt her again.

I felt guilty. I am guilty. But what can I do. My mind and my heart is still so full of him, I could not concentrate on my daughter. I have been telling myself over and over to get a grip of myself. I am trying. So hard. But not yet.

All I could do now is cry. Cry for my lost love. Cry for my pathetic self. And cry for my baby, who should be my priority. I used to be so sure of myself that no one can come close to her in my heart. But what is happening to me now? I am bad. So bad. How can I redeem myself to her? I need time, but for how long?

Today is Valentine’s day. I hope this really is just a Valentine sickness. I hope this will pass tagging along my senseless musings on the player who broke my heart into pieces.

I want to be back to whom my heart should solely belong. My Gaby, please wait for me. I am coming back, promise…

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Surviving

Day 10

I have been trying to make myself busy. It’s a struggle really. But at least, although the thoughts of you fill my mind almost all the time, the pain albeit still there is not piercing like the first days.

Yes, I am getting there. Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I am determined to move on. But yes, my heart still wants you so bad.

Yes, I am confused. Yes, it is you still…

Surviving

Day 9

So what now?

I have no work today and as usual, it’s been you in my head the whole day and it’s going to be you before I fall asleep.

I am getting tired thinking of you. So please… Please… Get out of my head. Get out of my system.

It is so ironic that you are out of my life and yet like a persistent mosquito, you have been jingling around my ears. Insisting. Persisting. If only I could just crush you between my fingers! Oh! How I would love that!!!

Surviving

Day 8

I used to advise my broken hearted friends that it is okay to cry as long as they want. They should just enjoy the pain because it will eventually go away. Nobody dies of a broken heart unless one is mentally ill or psychologically imbalance. That everything is just a phase that they have to experience.

How easy those words to say when you are not on the said situation. I am telling myself that same advise but what I really want to do is wallow in this pain I am feeling and hope that you will later realize that you made a mistake for letting me go that easy.

This morning during the mass, I prayed to have you back in my life.  Yes, I asked Him that Thy will be done but deepest in me pleaded to Him to please please let me be truly happy and that is to be with you again.

How pathetic. I am so pathetic. I have become one of those many women who try to find happiness in other people, in my case, in you.

This is all wrong.

I don’t want to feel this feeling again. I had been through this for the third time. I used to tell myself that I will never allow myself to feel this way again because it is so painful that I feel couldn’t be happy ever again. I felt I was jaded already.

But here I go again as if didn’t learn my lesson before.

Why is it so easy to fall in love and yet it is so hard to let go and move on? Being in love is such a wonderful feeling that I can’t blame myself why I chose to be gullible and took the risk.

What do other women have that I don’t because I honestly believe that I can be a very good wife and partner to a man, if he will only allow me and love me. There must be something wrong with me! I know many will tell me that it is not my fault that you didn’t see my worth. But heck!!!! Then why? Then what is wrong!???

There are lucid moments that I am certain that I am getting there. I am getting over you but I have to admit that I am stalling. Because I don’t want to forget the feeling of being in love. Somehow I don’t want to be jaded.

But really… I still want you back.

Surviving

Day 7

It was Friday yesterday, Day6, I resolved to myself that it was going to be a “feel good Friday” for me.

I donned on my new top which makes me feel a little sexier than my usual self. I had cologne which I don’t normally wear but that made me feel good a little bit. I tried to make myself happy and upbeat in the office the whole day.

Later after work, I watched movie, Bride for Rent, with my office sisies Julie and Jen and Ian. The movie is good and it made me cry but mostly I was smiling and kilig the whole time.

But that made my feel good Friday a disaster. I missed you more. The main man, Rocco, made me think of you because like him, you are ‘chinito’ (chinky eyed) too.

So I texted you that I miss you. I even tried to call you up. But you did not bother. Shocks! So what that leaves me now? I am crying sorely again. I want to hate you but what I hate is this  “stuck-on-you” feeling.

Please get out of my system now. I want a peaceful life.

But I want you still…

Surviving

Day 6

Unlike the other night last night, I couldn’t force myself to sleep. But just like those first 5 nights, you are still persistent in my head.

I dragged myself to read, just like  I used to do. This time, I started reading ‘The Alchemyst’, but there were lucid moments that I realized I have stopped reading because I am thinking of you again and I miss you… Madly…

So I immediately got up and went to feed our new flowerhorn, Buchiki Jr. Watching fish while it swims is an effective destresser. While I was feeding him, I suddenly remembered if you are taking your vitamins religiously. I hope you are. I told you many times before that you need it and it is for your own good.

So much about trying to get over you. But then, I know it is for the best. So I just tell myself to just go on. This is just part of what they call in psychology, desynthesization process.

So I will just wait for the day that I will stop doing silly things like this. Until finally I stop thinking about you. For now, please just bear with me and my being KSP (kulang sa pansin). What can I do? Miss kita e.