I’ve been reading many blogs lately, mostly about love, relationships, motherhood, and almost always, something in me is struck like I am the bad(dest) mum to my daughter, Gaby. Yes, for the past 3 or more months, I have been so so bad to her. It pains me and it hurts more today because it’s Valentine’s Day. I know I should make it up to her. But I can’t… just yet…
Last November I became so intent on falling and I fell in love. Because of this new found happiness, I was enjoying it immensely, without realizing that the quality time I normally spend with her was reduced. I started to miss her bedtime stories and her weakly massage because I was busy on the phone talking to him until she already fell asleep or I would be home so late because I had a date.
Until last month, I decided to end the pseudo-relationship to leave a little of my self-worth. Yes, I love him but I realized that what was going on between us is not for forever as I wanted it to be and it would not be fair to me. I knew I should love myself first because I have a daughter to prioritize and not any “player” like him. But still, I am so devastated. Until today, the hurt I am feeling is still as intense. Maybe this is valentine’s sickness and will pass away after the season.
But the fact remains that I have neglected my baby so much. There were nights that she would complain that I missed her bedtime stories and she misses it already. I don’t massage her anymore and always I told her I was tired and promised to read or massage her the next night. But then, I still didn’t.
Two weeks ago, while I am readying Gaby to church, out of nowhere she asked, “Nay, naalala mo yung nagbe-bedtime stories tayo nung may tumawag na lalaki na sobrang tagal mong kausap, hanggang nakatulog na ako di mo natapos yung story? Sino yun, Nay?” (“Mum, do you remember the night that while you are reading bedtime story to me, a man called you (on your cell phone) and you were talking for so long until I fell asleep, you did not finish the story to me? Who is that man, mum?)
I was stunned because afterall, she did not forget. That it was a big thing to her that she missed her bedtime stories. She pestered me who the guy was. I just promised her that the guy will no longer call me again and I will never miss her bedtime stories again.
There was also one Saturday afternoon that she literally dragged me out of bed and complained that I have been in our bedroom for days and I should go out. That I don’t play with her anymore. I felt guilty and tried to spend time with her but I ended up snapping at her because she was so “makulit” (pesky).
Last night, she asked again for her bedtime story but told her I was tired and she just turned her back to me feigning sleep. I hurt her again.
I felt guilty. I am guilty. But what can I do. My mind and my heart is still so full of him, I could not concentrate on my daughter. I have been telling myself over and over to get a grip of myself. I am trying. So hard. But not yet.
All I could do now is cry. Cry for my lost love. Cry for my pathetic self. And cry for my baby, who should be my priority. I used to be so sure of myself that no one can come close to her in my heart. But what is happening to me now? I am bad. So bad. How can I redeem myself to her? I need time, but for how long?
Today is Valentine’s day. I hope this really is just a Valentine sickness. I hope this will pass tagging along my senseless musings on the player who broke my heart into pieces.
I want to be back to whom my heart should solely belong. My Gaby, please wait for me. I am coming back, promise…